Welcoming a new baby to your family is filled with a mixed bag of emotions. You may be thrilled to provide your child with a lifelong friend and
playmate, AND you may feel riddled with guilt over the whirlwind of change your child will experience. I remember my overwhelming emotions as I drove
to the hospital to have my second child, aware that my two-year-old’s life was about to flip upside down, and he had no idea how much change would ensue! So what can you do to help your child thrive during this transition period?
7 Sibling Transition Tips:
1. Put your Child in Charge.
It’s human nature – we like power and control. Giving your child some of this helps them to feel useful and important. Now that they are in
a new role as BIG sister or brother, what responsibilities can they have? It can be helpful to move things you need to their level so they can run and fetch something for you while feeding the baby. For example – pacifiers, burp cloths, diapers and wipes for the baby, or their snacks, books, cups, or toys,
This May sound like, “I need a pacifier hero!” “Oh I am so glad you are here to be a big brother helper. What would I do without you?”
2. What CAN they do?
Many times we focus on what we don’t want our children to do, “Don’t touch his mouth. Don’t yell near him! Don’t grab his pacifier! Stop swinging the bassinet.”
Can you instead focus on what they CAN do:
● She loves when you rub her feed gently.
● Can you sing twinkle twinkle in a whisper she loves that song!
● He loves when you read a book and show him the pictures.
● Can you grab a toy he might enjoy?
● You can brush your baby’s hair, and I will brush your brother’s hair.
3. Notice Your Child.
When we notice what our child is doing well we draw attention to the good,
● “I notice you making a tall tower with your blocks.”
● “I noticed you picked out purple socks.”
● “I notice you are coloring with pink.”
● “I notice you are eating big bites of your breakfast.”
● “I notice you are using gentle hands with your baby brother.”
● “I noticed you cleaned up your toys the first time I asked!”
● “I notice you picked out the dinosaur water bottle.”
4. Encourage modeling.
Provide your child with a baby doll and materials similar to the ones you will use with the new baby. Allow them to shadow you with their baby if they wish. This can be helpful during the initial feedings, and diaper changes.
5. Plan a predictable 1:1 Mommy and Me Time Daily.
Connection is key during this transition time. Your child in a million ways, all day long, will be asking, “Am I still important to you? Do you still love me? Have I been replaced?” We want to fill their need for attention through connection on our terms daily. When their bucket is full they are much more likely to enjoy their sibling and cooperate with our wishes, and less likely to act out in a desperate attempt to get attention the quickest way they know how. (commonly a huge outburst tantrum at the new neighbors house, or a tantrum while checking out at trader joe’s)
6. Create a daily flow.
While your newborn can’t be scheduled to clock in the first weeks, or even months, your day can take on a predictable pattern. This flow provides security for your child when they can plan the next step of their day.
This is a great time to implement a set schedule by the clock, including predictable consistent routines at wake and bedtimes, for
your older children. This will provide some anchors in your day, and give everyone a great sense of control they crave.
A daily flow in months 1-3, may look like this…
● Morning Wake up Routine & Breakfast
● “Mommy BIg Kid Time”
Child-led activity for 15 minutes. Some ideas include puzzles, coloring, doll house, free play with dinosaurs or cars, or whatever else your child imagines!
● Adventure 1: Outdoor Time, Playdate, Errand, Library Class, etc.
● Creative Time.
● Lunch Time.
● Nap Time Routine.
● Nap or Quiet Time.
● TV show and Snack.
● Adventure 2: Outside Time, Playdate, Errand, Library Class, etc.
● Dinner
● Bedtime Routine & Bedtime.
7. Ask for help.
Why is it so dang hard for moms to ask for help? It doesn’t mean you are a failure, or that you can’t do it! Asking for help, on the contrary, builds community and connection with other moms. Speaking from experience, I am flattered when another mom trusts me enough to ask for a ride to school, or a playdate when they need to have an appointment. With this being said, I am still learning to ask for help myself. Struggling to get out of the house with two kids? Can you hire a babysitter for a regular few hours each week? Or swap with a friend? Struggling to make meals? Say “Yes, that would be great!” when people offer to bring over meals, or ask a close friend to set up a Meal Train with some friends or neighbors.
8. Offer Choices All Day Long!
Offering choices will increase cooperation, especially with a strong willed child! Offering choices helps offer your child the power and control they desire. There are a few special things to note when offering choices:
● They must be offered when things are going WELL!
● Only offer 2 choices.
● Both choices you must be willing to accept.
● If you child doesn’t choose you choose and move on to another
choice.
Reflection Questions:
1. When will you plan for 1:1 time with your older child(ren)?
2. What responsibilities can you give your child to be helpful?
3. When can you incorporate choices into your daily routine?
4. What will be easy for you to start? What will be hard to try?
5. Who can you ask for help?